Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Sophie2078's best tweets

@Sophie2078 : We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to... Me: ... fall in love? Him: ... stop talking to each other.

@Sophie2078: *receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

@Sophie2078: Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

@Sophie2078: *my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a... child.

@Sophie2078: If your messages appear as "seen", but there’s no reply, don't worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

@Sophie2078: Me: I love it when I'm on top of his...
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

@Sophie2078: Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

@Sophie2078: Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I'm sorry. I'm contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I'm naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are...

@Sophie2078: If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

@Sophie2078: Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.