What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
You Might Also Like
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*