Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.