Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.