@SortaBad: Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
@SortaBad: We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
@SortaBad: [returns from Costco]
"Honey you didn't get stuff we don't need, did you?"
"Of course not babe"
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
@SortaBad: If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything's cool
@SortaBad: [debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will 'hurt badly the growth' - how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could...take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
@SortaBad: The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
@SortaBad: You're drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you're just on a carousel
@SortaBad: Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
@SortaBad: what's the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing