Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SortaBad's best tweets

@SortaBad : JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you're an overachiever ME: Yes for example I'm having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

@SortaBad: FRIEND: I'm tired of being poor. I'm gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I'm so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

@SortaBad: Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

@SortaBad: FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

@SortaBad: [giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

@SortaBad: by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

@SortaBad: This will teach them to underestimate me

@SortaBad: ME: What do you recommend? It's our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

@SortaBad: i'm lonely just not "inventor of the boomerang" lonely

@SortaBad: The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle