Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SortaBad's best tweets

@SortaBad : Me: hi :) Woman at bar: it's loud in here, I'm sorry, did you just say "colon closed parentheses" ???

@SortaBad: Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

@SortaBad: Why I don't get dates:

Her: It's been light-years since I've had this much fun

Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time

@SortaBad: A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor's house

@SortaBad: You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We've decided on the perfect name for our baby

@SortaBad: John: Hey Jude...

Paul: Don't make it bad

George: Take a sad song...

Ringo: So weird how coffee is yummy hot or cold but gross in-between

@SortaBad: We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

@SortaBad: No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

@SortaBad: Fellow Black Friday shopper: I'm so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can't afford anything, I'm hoping to be trampled to death

@SortaBad: "I'm dreaming about mashed potatoes"
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
"No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual"