Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SortaBad's best tweets

@SortaBad : HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

@SortaBad: Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

@SortaBad: PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

@SortaBad: POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: ...

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

@SortaBad: You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

@SortaBad: Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

@SortaBad: JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

@SortaBad: 2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@SortaBad: Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

@SortaBad: TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools