Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SortaBad's best tweets

@SortaBad : You're drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you're just on a carousel

@SortaBad: Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

@SortaBad: what's the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

@SortaBad: 20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

@SortaBad: "Babe I wanna ask you something"
*gets down on one knee*
"When The Little Mermaid became human, how'd she know to use a toilet?"
*ties shoe*

@SortaBad: [Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics 'You Are Beautiful' at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

@SortaBad: Celebrating Easter by looking like I've been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

@SortaBad: Me: hi :)

Woman at bar: it's loud in here, I'm sorry, did you just say "colon closed parentheses" ???

@SortaBad: Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this