Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“I FIXED IT!”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Whoa 😂
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.