@SortaSarcastic: Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Welcome to Twitter.
@SortaSarcastic: Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I'd like for you to look at.
@SortaSarcastic: She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I'm frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don't know karate.
@SortaSarcastic: What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don't even know what I'm doing with the rest of this tweet...
@SortaSarcastic: Addiction therapist: You've tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
@SortaSarcastic: This Is total BULLSHIT! You can't even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
@SortaSarcastic: Okay you guys, I'm gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.