Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket