*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.