officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Unexpected Judgment
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
oh you like architecture? name three walls
#DesignFail
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.