The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
multitasking lunch
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat