Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami