My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Owl Sanctuary
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
we’re gonna need another temp
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.