8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
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Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
OKAY DAD
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.