responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
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As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!