we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
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It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
We’re all getting idioter.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]