shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
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Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Story of my life…..
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes