WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.