*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
canadian assassins are called killergrams
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.