I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this