Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Staggfilms's best tweets

@Staggfilms : BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom. SCOOBY: Scooby Doo. BAILIFF: Your FULL name. SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

@Staggfilms: ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

@Staggfilms: HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.

ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ

HER:

ME:

HER:

ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ

HER: You have a problem.

@Staggfilms: DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

- At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

- At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

- At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

@Staggfilms: What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

- inventor of the roller coaster

@Staggfilms: SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

@Staggfilms: The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

@Staggfilms: Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

@Staggfilms: If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

@Staggfilms: [meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.