Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Staggfilms's best tweets

@Staggfilms : The Pixar lamp killed my Dad. - i

@Staggfilms: HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

@Staggfilms: [yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

@Staggfilms: I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

@Staggfilms: Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

@Staggfilms: ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

@Staggfilms: It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

@Staggfilms: Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

@Staggfilms: ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

@Staggfilms: ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.