Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Staggfilms's best tweets

@Staggfilms : SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?! ME: Grandma?

@Staggfilms: The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

@Staggfilms: Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

@Staggfilms: If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

@Staggfilms: [meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

@Staggfilms: MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

@Staggfilms: [waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

@Staggfilms: THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

@Staggfilms: GOOD COP: We can do the easy way...

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

@Staggfilms: [exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.