Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Staggfilms's best tweets

@Staggfilms : [meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con] THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles? ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

@Staggfilms: MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

@Staggfilms: [waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

@Staggfilms: THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

@Staggfilms: GOOD COP: We can do the easy way...

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

@Staggfilms: [exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

@Staggfilms: Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

@Staggfilms: Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

@Staggfilms: ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

@Staggfilms: ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.