ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
this chia pet tastes awful
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.