i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
There’s never enough good news
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego