“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]