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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive