Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
lmfao
Mad Max: Furry Road
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time