I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.