*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too