*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
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I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
You can’t rush stupid.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.