Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Stellacopter's best tweets

@Stellacopter : *hears noise downstairs *wakes up husband so he can go get murdered first

@Stellacopter: Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.

@Stellacopter: Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I'd be like cool I'm going home to eat.

@Stellacopter: If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

@Stellacopter: One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

@Stellacopter: If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

@Stellacopter: Where did I get my scarf? It's a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

@Stellacopter: [at heaven's gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

@Stellacopter: I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.

@Stellacopter: Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with "two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips."