Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods