Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.