I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
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I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.