ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
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There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.