Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SteussieErica's best tweets

@SteussieErica : [6 ½ hour car ride] Me: I'm so sick of sitting I can't sit anymore. Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

@SteussieErica: Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

@SteussieErica: Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

@SteussieErica: Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball...obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

@SteussieErica: [Calling guy I met in bar in '91]

Me: Remember you said "Call me any time?" Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

@SteussieErica: Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I've had all day

@SteussieErica: As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

@SteussieErica: "Sorry I didn't have a chance to clean up the place," I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

@SteussieErica: FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It's scary down there.

@SteussieErica: Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time