I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
This is not me but this is me
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.