“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
You Might Also Like
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what