Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
You Might Also Like
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
oh shit
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.