[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Whoa 😂
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
When ur friends with white people
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?