Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
as is their right
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
all that yoga finally paid off
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”