Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of SteveSuckington's best tweets

@SteveSuckington : What she said: wanna share some nachos? What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

@SteveSuckington: DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?

@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that's a tough one. I guess I'd probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

@SteveSuckington: [bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@SteveSuckington: [blind date]

HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?

ME: hey!! You're not blind!!

@SteveSuckington: 1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

@SteveSuckington: [on a date]

I've got butterflies in my stomach

"that's so cute. You dont have to be nervous"

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

@SteveSuckington: [walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

"What are you supposed to be?"

ME: I'm not wearing a costume

@SteveSuckington: "What should we call ourselves?"

How about 22 pilots?

"Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots"

21 pilots?

"Omg"

@SteveSuckington: Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.