Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SteveSuckington's best tweets

@SteveSuckington : [introducing a girl to my parents] "These are the roommates I was telling you about"

@SteveSuckington: [first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

@SteveSuckington: DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is... is that good?

@SteveSuckington: [at adoption agency]

"Why do you think you'd be a good fit for adoption?"

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

"I just love kids"

@SteveSuckington: Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

@SteveSuckington: [stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@SteveSuckington: *Wife screams*

"THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT"

*I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around*

"It's his house now"

@SteveSuckington: "Dad I think there's a monster in my room"

-Seriously? You're 33 years old. You live in a different state.

"Just put mom on the phone"

@SteveSuckington: What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

@SteveSuckington: DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?