Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SteveSuckington's best tweets

@SteveSuckington : [at adoption agency] "Why do you think you'd be a good fit for adoption?" *cut to a baby mowing my lawn* "I just love kids"

@SteveSuckington: Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

@SteveSuckington: [stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@SteveSuckington: *Wife screams*


*I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around*

"It's his house now"

@SteveSuckington: "Dad I think there's a monster in my room"

-Seriously? You're 33 years old. You live in a different state.

"Just put mom on the phone"

@SteveSuckington: What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

@SteveSuckington: DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris


ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?

@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that's a tough one. I guess I'd probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

@SteveSuckington: [bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@SteveSuckington: [blind date]

HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?

ME: hey!! You're not blind!!