@SteveSuckington: DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?
@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that's a tough one. I guess I'd probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
@SteveSuckington: [bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
@SteveSuckington: [blind date]
HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?
ME: hey!! You're not blind!!
@SteveSuckington: 1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
@SteveSuckington: [on a date]
I've got butterflies in my stomach
"that's so cute. You dont have to be nervous"
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
@SteveSuckington: [walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
"What are you supposed to be?"
ME: I'm not wearing a costume
@SteveSuckington: "What should we call ourselves?"
How about 22 pilots?
"Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots"
@SteveSuckington: Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.