@SteveSuckington: [first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
@SteveSuckington: [at adoption agency]
"Why do you think you'd be a good fit for adoption?"
*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*
"I just love kids"
@SteveSuckington: Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.
@SteveSuckington: [stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
@SteveSuckington: *Wife screams*
"THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT"
*I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around*
"It's his house now"
@SteveSuckington: "Dad I think there's a monster in my room"
-Seriously? You're 33 years old. You live in a different state.
"Just put mom on the phone"
@SteveSuckington: What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
@SteveSuckington: DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?