@SteveSuckington: [stranded on a deserted island]
Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.
@SteveSuckington: *Wife screams*
"THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT"
*I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around*
"It's his house now"
@SteveSuckington: "Dad I think there's a monster in my room"
-Seriously? You're 33 years old. You live in a different state.
"Just put mom on the phone"
@SteveSuckington: What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
@SteveSuckington: DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?
@SteveSuckington: Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that's a tough one. I guess I'd probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
@SteveSuckington: [bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I've never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
@SteveSuckington: [blind date]
HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?
ME: hey!! You're not blind!!
@SteveSuckington: 1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us