Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
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I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
For the baby who has everything
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?