Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Stop it! 😂