Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.