I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.