[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Erm I’m gonna say no
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Punctuation Matters. Period.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course