We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
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*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
😅😅😅
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say