[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
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Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
The internet is full of many things
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry