[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
This could be us… but you playing
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Come back with a warrant
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List