When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
When libraries troll their patrons.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe