As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
You Might Also Like
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi